Fxxx My Life

[bekjam]

Today, I was talking to my parents about feeling insecure with my "beach body" as Spring Break keeps getting closer and closer. My dad proceeded to warn me by saying, "Don't wear a gray swimsuit. People will try to roll you back into the ocean". FML

Today, I finally got the chance to hook up with the girl I really like. She was naked, and as she was taking my pants off, she looked at my penis and said, "oh, I just remembered I have to babysit my little sister today." FML

Today, I had to get my license renewal picture taken and after the first go the woman said "It looks like your eyes are closed." I'm Asian. FML

http://www.fmylife.com/

 

[Juniormob]

okay?

 

[jurriaan]

lol

 

[Timmeeh]

hahaha i'm asian

 

[apfelstrudel]

[Afbeelding niet meer beschikbaar]

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[Xto]

today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. Fml

:d

Today, I was pestering a co-worker, so she jokingly stated "I'll bury you!" and I replied "I'll bury your mom!". Her moms funeral was last week. FML

Today, I shook hands with a girl and held onto her hand while telling her she had very tiny, delicate hands. When I let go to look at them, I discovered she only had two fingers. FML

"

Today, I was going down on a girl. When I looked up she was texting. FML

 

[gast 301121]

 

[Misery Signals]

Today, in class, I was sitting next to the guy that I fancy. Shyly, I write our initials (L and A) into a heart on his hand to see his reaction… “I love Los Angeles too!” FML

Today, my dad surprised me by moving my bed (involving disassembling and reassembling it) in my new room, because I couldn't find how I wanted to set it up. He also took care of putting back my vibrator between the mattress and the base, where it was hidden. FML

Today, I was in India. At the airport, the men and women were being searched separately. The guy welcoming us pointed me towards the women's area. I had to explain to him that I was a guy. It took 15 minutes. FML

 

[gast 301121]

Today, I wake up, switch on TV and the first thing I see is the picture of a wanted rapist who looks just like me. I’m afraid to leave home. FML

 

[Sephirothsnake]

Today, I found out that when I masturbate at night while watching internet porn I cast a huge shadow on the curtain and the entire street is able to see it. FML

 

[gast 301121]

Today, I was trying on lingerie in the dressing room of Victoria’s Secret with my boyfriend next to me. I told my him in a seductive, playful tone “You can stay and watch if you give me a piece of your gum.” He said “No I only have three more” and left the room. FML

 

[Tenjo]

Lol !!!

 

[Schaapiej]

Haha

 

[bbejtap]

whahaha geweldige drooge k*thumor

 

[Schaapiej]

Today my lesbian sister enthusiastically showed me her new strap on. Not only does she get more girls than me, she now has a bigger penis too. FML

 

[Ronniej]

hahahah geweldig!

 

[Anoniem36295]

Today, I kneeled down to tie my shoe and sneezed, nailing my face off of my knee and breaking my nose. FML

FAIL

 

[gast 301121]

Today, my grandmother called. She greeted me by my mother's name. When I told her it was not my mother, she apologized and corrected herself, but this time she addressed me as my sister. When I told her it was not my sister either, she said "Sorry, wrong number" and hung up. FML

Today, my group of friends, my girlfriend, and I were playing 'never have I ever.' My girlfriend's turn came up and she went with, 'Never have I ever had an orgasm.' FML

Today, my brother joked that our dog was more attractive than I was. I looked to my mom for support, and she said "Well, she is pure bred." FML

 

[Framedrop]

Today, my girlfriend and I had coïtus for the first time. When I was on top of her, she asked me if it was in yet. I said yes. She sighed. FML

Today, I finally hooked up with a boy I really liked. We were lying in bed and my panties were already off when he asked me : "Would you also have coïtus with me if you weren't drunk?". I responded "Yes!" and asked him the same question, at which he responded : "No, probably not." FML

Today, I spent $20 on a spray tan, $30 to have my make up done, and $50 on a pretty new dress all for a special date with my boyfriend. It turns out I spent $100 just to get dumped. FML

Today, I had coïtus for the first time with a guy. After he passionately made love to me, I turned to him and said "you smell really good." He turned to me and said "You don't." FML

Today, I finally gave the guy I was with for over a year a blowjob. Right after he tells me "I don't want a girlfriend but I want you to be my best friend." FML

 

[Marvin17]

Today, my girlfriend and I had coïtus for the first time. When I was on top of her, she asked me if it was in yet. I said yes. She sighed. FML